You lay in bed and think of how you used to be before. Before this darkness and apathy surrounded you. It’s been years now that you have functioned on autopilot. No desire to accomplish or be. Yet, despite it all, you have found some superpower within to push yourself little by little. In defiance towards the absurd, you started each day anew. Doing one task after another leading nowhere. Actions that didn’t get you any closer to fixing how you felt about yourself or about the world that surrounds you.
But in your desperation, you realized that it’s just how things are. And sometimes when you cannot fall asleep and it’s nearing 4 A.M you ask yourself will you ever feel normal?
The walls that surround you and the darkness of the room seem to remind you of the void that you experience at that moment. The apathy you feel is amplified in that instance. You know there’s more to it, there has to, but you don’t see or feel.
And so left to your own devices you travel back in time and try to remember. Life before. Who you used to be? How did you use to act? The memories that have added up in time and that you have recalled less and less. But daydreaming feels nice. Creating alternate worlds where you are happy. Where life is not so daunting. Where darkness and anxiety and fear do not hold control over you.
Is it a chemical imbalance, a wrong pattern of thoughts, or both that led you to this point? Is it a lack of meaning? You don’t see yourself in the future and that somehow sets the mood for the rest of the days that become hazy.
Everything goes by and you are just the same. There’s no energy or desire, to improve, to fight, to put yourself out there.
You isolate for you don’t want to bring others down with you. Moods are contagious after all. Your problems are not that unique, and being a victim of your own making is no good. But no matter how hard you try to pretend to care — you just don’t. And talking about it is of little help. You don’t want to meet people, the thought alone exhausts you and makes you wanna go to sleep.
Isolation in big doses can be harmful to your mental health. They should put that disclaimer on the TV.
This angst and unsettling feeling of impeding doom make you feel like a worn-down suit. There is nothing inside, nothing to offer, no warmth or care. Everything becomes harder to do and so procrastination is the new normal. Avoidance of experiences and life.
Does it matter?
Yes and no. Yes, it matters if you want to live a long and fruitful life, no if you see that the struggle never ends. There’s no escape from it. It’s been with you all this time and it will not leave on its own.
Perhaps, not everyone sees life as a blessing. Is that wrong? To think that way. To be among the ones that consider his existence worthless. It’s just something that happened and as for the outcome, not every story is supposed to have a happy ending. There’s tragedy as well, plenty of that in fact.
Thrown into a world you did not feel like you belonged in.
The invisible disease that robbed you of everything, and turned you inside out, leaving you wondering and in desperate need of a final ending that should be oh so near.
