The Struggle To Be A Person — A Look At Avoidant Personality Disorder
Personality disorders can be paralyzing, they can take away the best years of our lives and leave us wondering why it is us that have to deal with them in the first place.
AvPD is one such disorder that affects 2.5% of the population. It is characterized as “feelings of extreme social inhibition, inadequacy, and sensitivity to negative criticism and rejection.”
The problem is when these feelings of inadequacy make one resort to avoid life experiences altogether. For avoidants, it is a struggle to function as a normal being — enjoying life to the fullest. Instead, they are stuck in a cycle of self-sabotaging and avoidance.
Due to past negative experiences people with AvPD resort to a defense mechanism of avoiding or exposing themselves to new hurtful experiences.
Below I decided to go more in-depth and have a look at some of the characteristics displayed by a person with an avoidant personality disorder.
Put On A Mask Around Others
People with AvPD feel that they are not worthy to be around others or that the way they themselves are, their true self, is just not good enough. That leads to them having learned to act and pretend in order to get by.
I am sure most of us adopt a different persona depending on the environment we find ourselves in. There is a mask we use at home when surrounded by family. Another mask in the workplace or in public.
The problem is when you put on a mask so often around others that at some point you start wondering who the real you is.
Where do you draw the line between acting and being?
Who is the real me underneath all the pretense?
Is it the one who when not surrounded by people does not act happy all the time?
At some point, avoidants feel loneliness when faced with the fact that people might enjoy a facade they display and not their true self.
They conclude that people will never really know them.
Dread Intimate Relationships
There is this line from The Perks of Being a Wallflower it says — “We accept the love we think we deserve."
I believe this goes for avoidants as well.
They accept what they think they deserve which means the opposite of love, closure, respect.
Intimate relationships are hard for avoidants as they fear of being shamed or ridiculed.
They tend to get involved with people only if they are certain of being approved.
Consider Self As Inferior To Others
Avoidants view themselves as socially inept, personally unappealing, or inferior to others.
This belief robs them of experiences that could otherwise help them prove that it’s not always either black or white.
Life is more complex than that.
There might very well be things they are good at and deep down they know it, they can see it, they hear the feedback. Yet, none of that registers due to a lack of confidence in themselves.
In turn that makes them avoid any form of social gatherings or group meetings. They feel as if they are unwelcome in those social situations.
They view themselves as unfit to be part of a larger group. They are better off alone, which is not the case, as retreating robs them of new experiences. They fall prey to their own biases and faulty mind.
AvPD feels that they will never be good enough in comparison to others no matter how hard they try. That explains why they often give up on things and do not persevere.
Reluctant To Open Up or Take Risks
Another symptom of avoidants is the reluctance to take personal risks or to engage in any new activities because they may prove embarrassing.
That means that in social situations a person will fear voicing their opinions in order to not come off as incompetent or stupid. They will keep silent and nod just to not interrupt others.
There could be past situations when their attempts to open up or voice their ideas were met with criticism and objections. Thus, they learned from those experiences it’s best to stay silent.
Avoidants are not risk-takers and any form of standing up for themselves is met with anxiety.
They are constantly on the lookout for signs of approval or rejection.
In intimate relationships, this fear of opening up leads to trust issues and fear of getting known. Being vulnerable with the other is scary. They fear that a person will use their issues against them and as a result decide to keep people at distance.
They don’t talk about their problems because they feel like no one can understand what they are going through. The few times they dared to open up their struggles were not acknowledged so they learned to keep their issues to themselves and not burden others.
An avoidance to take personal risks or try new activities leads to a mediocre life with no progress. They are stuck in the comfort zone occupied with solo activities to pass time by that require little interaction with the outside world.
They do not experience real life to the fullest, they seek an escape from it.
Final Thoughts
We can see that people with an avoidant personality disorder struggle a lot with being a part of society. They view themselves as doomed failures unable to live up to the expectations of society.
They don’t have what it takes to succeed in this environment. They need help and therapy to deal with the demons inside their mind. They need to learn that doubting voice is not always right and should not rob them of living their lives to the fullest.
Their refuge in isolation is not a solution to their problem. It is important to retrain their mindset and as we can see they can not do that by themselves they need support and help for that. But due to limited social support, they are more likely to refrain from seeking help in the first place.
